Can I do this?
I have been asked, as with all the other relatives, to recall memories of grandma for her funeral on Friday. Her wine glasses in bubbles wrap are to my left, her bookcase is to my right, and her Swedish clock is leering at me from the corner. I feel surrounded, claustrophobic, borderline asphyxiated. I do not how to remember without remembering everything. No longer selective nor willfully ignorant, I am flooded with the nuance of who she was to me.
Is it wrong that I want all of these belongings to disappear? I want my house to feel like my own again. Right now, these objects are anchoring me to a past that I have been running from. Her heirlooms are beautiful. They are also heavy. So very heavy.
I do not know where to put all these contradictions. I love her, I love him. I also have a hard time when they are woven into my daily life. I miss them. Still, I want space. Being that honest with myself breaks my heart.
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I am stepping away from myself and moving back into who I was before all the memories flooded home. Being around them all, I wonder can I do this - remember warmly, converse shallowly - without sacrificing my integrity, without betraying myself?