grandmas this time of year
Jane Lund (USA, b.1939)
My Mother’s Hands, 2000
Last week I sat with my grandma, my mom’s mom, on a Sunday afternoon. She told me that this time of the year can be sad for her. I said it is the time of year where we are all reminded of the people we have lost. She said yeah, I suppose so.
The absence of my dad is a harsh outline of negative space these days. I started a job on Monday and with big changes I miss him more. I want to call him on the phone and tell him about my coworkers and my new office. I’ve never had my own office before.
Yesterday, I received a save the date for one of my cousin’s wedding, a cousin on my dad’s side. They didn’t send one to my sister. I complained to my mom how weird and rude I thought that was to do. To choose me and not my sister. Then, I went in the bathroom to cry where my mom would not see or hear me.
I am sad that my dad’s family no longer sees my sister as part of their family. That is not fair to her. I am angry that they assume I want to be part of the family. That is not fair to me. I am enraged that no one can ever talk about what matters, even me. I feel guilty that my grandma, my dad’s mom, misses me but I have told her I am still in Utah and not coming home for the holidays.
Thinking about her, I often see myself sitting in the chair across from her in her old living room, when my dad used to live with her. The tv is on and I’m visiting them both. My dad is in the kitchen making his dinner and cooking me vegan chicken strips and green beans. He doesn’t say much, but I know he enjoys having me there. My grandma doesn’t stop chatting, gossiping, relaying the same stories. She loved having me there as much as any grandma loves visiting with her granddaughters. It all made me sad back then, but it felt less complicated. Now, I can’t look at her, can’t hear her voice without thinking of our same losses. I am overwhelmed with how much all of this has changed and I miss having my dad be the bridge between us and them. I don’t know who I was to his family when he was alive, and that has only grown more confusing since he died.