Merry Christmas

Again, as always, I miss my dad. I will miss him forever just as I will love him forever.

I have felt more and more fearful of my mom dying lately. Of everyone getting cancer. More aware that my grandparents will die someday. My dog will not always be here. I am scared of loss, so scared. Nothing feels certain. Do you ever miss something, someone that isn’t gone yet?

Everything feels like it’s imploding around us. My stepdad’s parents are dying and my cousin is struggling with addiction. But no one is talking about it in a way that feels significant. There is tension and silence and questions unanswered. I feel both a sense of relief and shame that I will be out of town on Christmas Day.

I have to remind myself of the joys of my life. Carrying my nephew on a hike next to a clear flowing river today. Watching my dog run off leash. Laughing with my mom and stepdad in the kitchen. Talking to my long distance best friend on the phone. Wrapping presents because I have people in my life to show I love them. Not everything is scary. This impending sense of doom may not be a premonition of anything to come. In fact, what if there is nothing to brace for? What if there is no impending moment of impact? I often find myself with my stomach tight and my jaw clenched in anticipation of something to go wrong. And so, I have to remind myself: there is nothing to brace for. In this moment, everything is okay. Someday, something will go wrong - in any of the ways that things can go wrong in this world - but right now, everything is okay.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday. I hope you feel warmth and love. I hope you know you deserve that.