reflections after a visit from the dead

I have put into words part of what I need from him, his afterlife included: I need for him to not require my forgiveness for his survival. I need for him to do the healing on his own, so that his sense of self is not determined upon how I feel towards him. I want him to admit and repent, to come to terms with the damages he has caused, but I want him to never beg of me forgiveness. I do not want to feel like he needs me to love him, forgive him in order for him to not drink himself to death. I need for him to be able to handle the fact that I am angry and I am so disappointed and I am deeply hurt and I need for him to know that I may never forgive him for what he did. I need him to not need me to do anything for him. He needs to do it on his own. I want to pass the torch. I feel as if my entire existence has been one long ask: will you ignore all that I have done to cause you pain because I cannot handle the weight of accountability? I am tired of ignoring myself so he can pretend he hasn’t done any wrong. He knows and knew what he did, and still he needed me to live a lie. No longer can I pretend. I do not know where it leaves us. Even now, I feel like I want to write I still miss you in order to pacify the words above. Why can’t I end this with anger? Why do I need to make this more palatable for you? I will say how I feel without any qualifiers: my head hurts, you’re grossing me out, I feel itchy under my skin, and I am angry that I can still feel you asking for my forgiveness. Right now, I want to be left alone. I do not want to be bothered.