scared of myself, of overwhelm

“Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell” by Marty McConnell

It has been an extremely arduous week. The move did not go as expected. It was and remains rather UCLA-esque. I am too nervous to write about it because I do not want to bring it all to the surface. It feels too much all at once. I feel lonely and homesick for my mom and her backyard patio and the silence of her house at nighttime. She is only ten minutes away, but I feel very very alone. I have multiple escape plans running at once: try to make it here through summer, and if it is not working, break my lease early. Move in with nat. Or make it a year and once it’s over, buy a van to live on the road. I want the comfort of familiarity and I do not want to answer to a neighbor or a landlord.

I am scared of how much my trauma brain can take over - I am scared of myself honestly.

That’s really all I can say for now without becoming overwhelmed.