9pm on a Sunday

I feel uninspired to write because I am too fixated on finding a new career path. My current job is taking too much of me and my time. I want all the children I work with to know love and safety. I want to find a job outside of youth work and social work. I want to have more freedom.

Freedom freedom freedom. That’s what I always come back to. I want to be able to move through my life without feeling restricted by my job. I do not want to work for forty years with the hopes to retire. Instead, I want to live my life now, learn who I am and who I am not, have experiences beyond a screen. I do not want to continue down this path of mornings filled with dread. Sundays used to be my favorite days of the week. There is something ritualistic and holy to their cadence. Now, I can hear Sundays coming a mile away like a warden stomping down the hall with keys to my cell. Life is not meant to be lived like this - not just for me, but for all of us. I am always hesitant to sound dramatic, but is it dramatic if it feels true? I wonder if there is something amiss with me. Why does this always feel so difficult? Why do I always feel dissatisfied?

I am thinking about the things that interest me: writing, farming, Spanish, travel, yoga, outdoors. Can a job be crafted out of those? Do I even need to have a job that I am passionate about? Or should I just pursue a job that provides me with the means to maintain my interests?

I am thinking too much. I know that the best thing is to go to bed. No problems are solved at 9pm on a Sunday.