Birthday Week Reflections
I can home from visiting a friend in Washington today. Everyone has a coming home ritual after a trip. Mine seems to be tears, a dopamine dip with a simultaneous appreciation for the familiar.
My birthday is in two days, and I am planning on starting Zoloft tomorrow. I want this to be a birthday where I am more happy than sad. Most birthdays I cry, just like I do when I return home from a trip. The feeling is the same: a general discontent with where I am. This sinking feeling that I’ll never be who I want to be, where I want to be. Trapped in the grooves created by the experiences from childhood. I feel stuck. I feel stuck. I feel so stuck. I don’t want to be in this restricted way of living anymore. I want to not be so afraid. I want to feel comfortable around people and men and vulnerability.
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I haven’t had any noticeable side effects from Zoloft. I had trouble sleeping the first few nights, but that may have been related to work anxiety. I feel less scared of taking it and more grateful for the peace of mind it might offer me.
I had a dream last night that I was flirting with a cute, kind guy. We didn’t kiss, but we could’ve. The apprehension, excitement, nervousness I felt in the dream were realistic of what I would feel if it were to happen in my actual life. I always want to take these dreams to mean something - that a relationship is right around the corner! It’s coming! This is a sign that it’s almost here, Nicole! All your waiting and wishing and hoping is soon to be met with a real, tangible experience! I don’t think it means anything, but I hope it might.
When I park my car in the Target pick-up spot, I watch people go in to the store. Last time, there was a couple who seamlessly reached for each other’s hands as they walked together. Seeing people so effortlessly declare vulnerability and affection through small acts like like that makes me both happy to be alive in a world with so much love and terrified I will never experience that romantically.
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I wrote in my journal the night of my birthday, “my birthday candle wish was to be nicer to myself this year. To not be so hard on myself.” This was the first birthday that I can remember where I have not cried. The night before, I made the intention to not have high expectations for the day, to give myself grace if hard feelings came up, to not psychoanalyze where I am in life and where I want to be.
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Someone tried to assassinate Trump yesterday. I wish you were alive to talk about this. Every major political event, I have a conversation with you in my head to gauge your opinion. What do you think of what’s going on? Do you have an idea of how this will all turn out? Are you still tuned in to what goes on in this plane? Do you know how much I still think about you? This is the fourth year of my life where I have gotten older but you haven’t. Another year of experiences that I cannot call to tell you about. I saw a bear on my hike in Washington. Did you know that? Sometimes I think I have gotten used to you not being a phone call away, and times like today I doubt I will ever believe that you will never call me again to tell me about incoming thunderstorms. You used to warn me to watch the skies, and still I do but I’m looking for you.