Two Day’s Thoughts
6/24
I am feeling tired of myself again. Like how am I still in this same position at nearly twenty-six years old? Why is my tolerance for intimacy still so low? Will I ever be able to say I love you first to my sister, brother in law, step dad? Even my mom and nephew sometimes . How do I stop being uncomfortable with myself and the fact that I am a person with feelings? I still want to date. I still am scared to tell anyone that. I don’t know how to inhabit myself, my body during moments of personal declaration.
How do I say what’s true for me? How do I stop running from honesty? I don’t want to make jokes of myself any longer. I want to be honest - so that I stop feeling so alone. I really don’t want to be on my own island anymore. I fear I’ve floated so far away from everyone else that I’ll never make it back over to them.
6/30
My medication appointment is on Tuesday and I am feeling anxious. My mood hasn’t been as low this past week, but my anxiety has been very high. Have I exhausted every other option enough to justify going on medication? Am I falling into the trap of big Pharma? Will I gain weight? Will it make my anxiety worse? How long do I have to be on it before I know if it is working? How do I know if what I am feeling is normal or abnormal? I can remember only once waking up in the past eight years to a sense of ease, but does anyone feel a sense of ease in the morning? There is so much to do and so little time and so little energy and so much dread. I want more time and space in my life and in between my thoughts and in between my tasks. Is medication the right answer to achieving this space? How does anyone ever know?
I am out of town next Sunday, so I will probably not write. I have the urge to write, but I don’t have the energy to sustain it. I feel so busy - jumping from A to B to C. I want to slow down. I want to be outside next to water with a good book. I want my phone to be on a airplane mode. I want to sleep outside and eat food cooked over the fire. I want to watch the stars come out. I want to drink a cup of coffee in the morning from my brother in law’s enamel cup.