I am ready to try something new

Ellen Hee

I am considering going on medication. I want my days to feel easier. I do not want to feel as if it is taking a tremendous amount of energy to be a person. I want to have more capacity to work through my trauma. I want there to be less resistance to life.

Some part of me feels like I have failed. Like I have not tried hard enough to get through this on my own, naturally. As if I have eaten too many cookies and not enough vegetables. As if I have not prioritized physical movement. As if I do not get in bed by 9pm. As if I haven’t done sooo many therapies. Some part of me feels like this is my fault.

But some part of me also wonders if some experiences are too powerful a force to be dealt with with “natural” remedies. I have to remind myself that my brain and body and nervous system were not meant to endure years of chronic stress and trauma. How normal for them to need a little help to find a sustainable baseline.

I have been trying to trace back to a time when I was consistently easeful in my days, but I do not remember. Since having to come home from UCLA, my generalized anxiety skyrocketed and my typical disposition lowered. But I remember high school, middle school and elementary having periods of intense melancholy as well.

I will have a day that where joy is more present, where it all feels ok. That one day is enough to make me believe that I never have bad days. It makes me wonder if I’m not in fact depressed or anxious or moving through complex-PTSD. But those days have felt scarce for months. And I think I am ready to try something new.