effort, language, rest

Sophie Lécuyer (French, b. 1987, Épinal, France) - From series The Time Of Anemors, 2016  Etchings, Aquatints printed in Green Ink on Fabriano Paper

3/10

I haven’t written in a few weeks because I do not know what to say. There is a lot of events happening, but putting into words how I feel about them has felt arduous, impossible.

3/11

I often get stuck in a freeze state. Unable to form words, unable to move. Well, maybe it’s not so much that I’m unable, but that the effort it would take exceeds that which I have to give. I sat in the shower last night because I could not muster the energy to pick myself up, and I stare at this page willing these words to type themselves. Sometimes I think that there are feelings beyond language. Words can come close to describing how I feel, but do they ever truly hit the mark?

I want to write about dating, about having lunch with my dad’s family, about the complicated feelings I have around inheritance, about my political anxiety, about the dysfunction at work, about missing my dad, about hating my dad, about loving my dad, about uncovering new trauma, about understanding my need for my mom deeper, about questioning my sexuality. All of these topics deserve the time and space for expression, but right now, I just do not have the energy.

It feels like a weighted blanket in my bones, a fog in my brain. I want to close my eyes. I want to rest. I want more time.