Grateful (but terrified)

I just resigned my lease. Something I vowed, a year ago, that I would never do again. Instead, I said, I would be living in a van - on my own terms and no one to answer to. The door closed behind my landlord and immediately, I wonder if I am abandoning some part of me. Am I settling down? Have I left behind spirited adventure for stagnancy and complacency? I want to be here, but I am not sure if I comfortable wanting to be here.

I still find so much of my identity is wrapped up in how others perceive me. I want to be seen as independent, adventurous, (and as much as it pains me to admit this) different from everyone else. Yes it is true that I don’t want to follow the standard timeline of marriage, kids, a home in the suburbs and a prioritized career. But it is also true that I actively try to not want those things. I find myself unconsciously taking inventory, praying I do not detect any tiny pockets within harboring interests for these things. What would my desires be if I wasn’t so scared of being washed into the sweeping tide that is the predominant American way of life?

I am grateful for my quiet, cozy home. I am grateful for the comfort I have found within myself being alone for a whole year. I am still so scared of committing to this. I am still so hesitant to tether myself to anything.